Thursday, 13 December 2007

My first post

This is my first ever post on blog, so forgive me if its all over the place.
I assume for most people, a blog is just a way to vent your angers concerns and worries without actually having to embarrass yourself or have those difficult conversations with your loved ones, while also getting the re-assurance that:
  • you aren't the only one out there who is in a loving stable relationship, but cant help thinking about that certain guy, (you know, the one who treats you like an idiot and is too stubborn to ever be in a relationship...but boy is he good in bed!)
  • constantly skips out on your responsibilities to spend yet another morning lying in bed,
  • and sometimes screams in her head about how idiotic her friends are..but can never bring herself to tell them.
I'll start by describing my situation.

I'm a 21 year old woman, In the eyes of everyone I know, I'm in my second year of university, although the reality is, i dropped out months ago. It meant so much to my parents that i go and get a good education, and make them proud that i've never admitted it. I don't think it was pure laziness that stopped me from going, more the idea that if it was too much for me, it would just validate, indisputably, the fact that I'm a failure. What annoys me is that i don't think i am a failure, I went to a good school, I have the intelligence, it was just the fear that got to me. And boy am i regretting it now. So currently I'm working in a part time job, and keeping up to everyone, friends, family, boyfriend, that i still go to university. Its hard, but its easier than the alternative of stepping into the real world.

I have a boyfriend of a few months that i'd known for years previously, he's currently going to university, he's kind, caring, I find him attractive, he hasn't had many sexual partners, but enough to know what hes doing in the bedroom (for the most part anyway). Despite having a lot of respect for him and feeling very safe and confident in what we have together, I'm torn.
He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, do I A) accept the fact that if I do spend the rest of my life with him, I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact I'm going to have to cheat on him, the idea of the same sex for the rest of my life gives me nightmares! or b) change the subject every time he comes onto the matter and quietly accept the fact this relationship is going to have to end some time and live with the guilt of leading him on. or c) a mixture of the above.

And my friends, well...where do I start. We've never really been ones to share our deepest feelings, we all have a sort of silent understanding that when something is wrong, keep well away. I've gotten used to it being like this, doesn't mean I'm happy with it. But even if my friends came to me with problems, I wouldn't know how to re-act. For example:

One of my friends tried to overdose a few weeks ago, a 20 year old woman in a good job, and her own flat, I see her a couple times a week, and the rest she's out in the clubs or pubs. I couldn't think of anything that would upset her that much, and despite feeling very uncomfortable I went to her aid (that's what friends do right?).
Now call me a bitch if you want, but by the time I had gotten there I was regretting getting out of bed. She'd taken 12 paracetamol with a bottle of wine...I take more than that when I've got a headache!
I felt like an idiot, she made me call an ambulance and sit with her for 5 hours in hospital. And her excuse? "we hadn't invited her out on Friday and Saturday nights much lately" Just because we've gotten sick of going to shit clubs full of slimy and boring men and humouring her while she decides which one she wants to take home for the night. It was impossible to go anywhere alone with her, because she'd always end up ditching you for a quick shag and I'd gotten sick of spending half an hour looking for her then getting a taxi home.
We tried to talk to her about it once, she thought we were calling her a slut. While we'd never say it...we had to wonder how many 20 year olds have had two abortions and not known the fathers of either. After that night, the event just disappeared, forgotten.

I have to sort out what I'm going to do with my life...and my friends... and my libido.